the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We had sex on a dog bed..
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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