Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
