We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
