the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
