I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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