I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
