I'm so fucking centered right now
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
whose parrot is this?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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