mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
