i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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