i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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