What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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