I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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