My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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