i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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