And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
