There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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