Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
