i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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