I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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