there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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