and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
