I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
