masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
