So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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