i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
accomplished twins. life is a go
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Randomize
