I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
