You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
