I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
