Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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