but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
