At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
