I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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