WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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