Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
