peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
