Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
