I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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