So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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