his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
