I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My liver just broke up with me...
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
