Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
