apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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