I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
