look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
