Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
