So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So vagazzling was a success
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
