he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
