youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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