I heard we made out
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
