i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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