My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
