Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
