I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
