And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
