Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
