fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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