Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
