Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
