If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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