I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
