I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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